I must tell you, I've never been given this kind of space to explain the
evil of jello salads, so if I seem a little excited, it's only because I am. This whole page is dedicated to jello salads,
and my goal is to help you to see exactly how wrong it is to destroy the sanctity of jello.
You see, the beauty of jello is that it has a consistant texture; you don't
even need to have teeth to eat it (it doesn't discriminate based on dental structure). You ruin jello by putting
stuff in it that's of a different consistency, yet it happens all the time. My dear friend Val and I have spent entire
afternoons on the internet, pouring over the thousands (yes, thousands) of jello salad "recipes".
In fact, if you take a look at "The History of Jello" link that we provided
for you, you will notice that lime jello was created specifically because it worked well for jello salad. This
is an appropriate addition to the jello flavor line, since in the 1930s, "almost one-third of the salad recipes in the
average cookbook are gelatin-based." This seems like a low point in American history, but no sir, it gets worse: the
1950s brought "National Use-Up-Your-Leftovers-in-a Jell-O-Salad Week" AND "National Jell-O-With-Fruit-To-Boot Week."
Nothing makes me more proud to be an American than a jello mold filled with lime jello and yesterday's
leftovers...
OK, deep breath...
So really, I guess it's a logical product, and it developed into a popular dish because of its environment.
It didn't require a lot of expensive ingredients, which made it popular for mothers during WWII when rationing made ingredients
like eggs, cream and fruit scarce (important components of traditional desserts).
Jello itself is cheap and simple. It requires little
time or equipment, and adding just a little fruit and vegetables to it not only makes it more "interesting" but
it also enhanses the nutritional value. Thus, it should entice children to eat more fruits and vegetables.
Unfortunately, although sensable and even necessary at the time, this innocent
step ushered in a plethora of new "recipes" calling for adding everything from cranberries and pineapple to shredded carrots
and olives to the jello mold. Really, this is gross!
The problem I, and many others, have realized, is that it is no longer war time (no matter what George
W Bush says). Every day we are exploiting farmers around the world so that we can have all the bananas, eggs, sugar,
and any other product that we want, for a very affordable price.
So, for all those grandmas out there who insist on bringing a beautiful lime jello salad, filled with walnuts
(see photo at right) and topped with whipped cream (we'll get into why whipped cream is gross some other day) to the neighborhood
pot-luck, please don't. Times have changed! You no longer eat spam and you don't donate your
nylon panty-hose for the war effort, so please stop making the salad too. Do it for the children.
I hope the links we have provided will enlighten you to the true
evil that takes place each and every day, originating in the homes of "the greatest generation." Let me be one
of the many to thank you for the sacrifices you have made for my freedom, but please, don't pass on the tradition, and don't
make me eat it. I'll repay you some other way.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your attention, and please be aware
of jello salads that often appear at churh potlucks and family gatherings throughout America, particularly in the
rural midwest. Good luck!
-ellen jean
